The Perfect Diary

Films in 2013 - Seven Psychopaths, 2012 (directed by Martin...

Fri, 11 Jan 2013 11:38:43 -0500

Films in 2013 - Seven Psychopaths, 2012 (directed by Martin McDonagh)

Everybody lies. One way or another, he or she will lie. Face it. It's just up to you on how you'll take it.

Thu, 01 Nov 2012 01:18:49 -0400

Feelings never fade. You just learn to accept it. You just learn how to live with it. You just learn to face the most cruel fact... things aren't the same as before, that he or she doesn't love you anymore, that you can never get thing back as the way it was before.

Wed, 31 Oct 2012 09:16:45 -0400

Sometimes, you'll come to that point that... the thing you're left to do, is change. Not change for them, just because things or relationship screwed up. But change for yourself... you got so tired of blaming yourself why things keep happening to you that you start to realize things - either you get yourself so numb that you don't want to give a shit about a thing anymore or you start to throw away all the negative thoughts that's been eating you and you'll learn to fight... not for them, but for yourself.

Wed, 31 Oct 2012 09:16:43 -0400

I don't know if you're infatuated with her or not. I don't know if i'm just so paranoid that i'm starting to imagine that the stories you're telling me were about you and her. Honestly, I am still jealous. I still am. I still imagine you two talking and seeing each other... and worse? Without me knowing it. Because you two suddenly stopped showing that you're communicating with each other, which makes me doubt even more, which makes me question things more. You're mine. Please. Don't be swayed. I want you. I love you.

Wed, 31 Oct 2012 09:16:41 -0400

Fighting off your paranoia is worst, ever. You'll try so hard to fight your thoughts, but somehow, somewhere, deep inside your heart... you know that those are the things that keep killing you and you're just an inch away to disappearing - disappearing from anyone and anything else.

Wed, 31 Oct 2012 09:16:41 -0400

I miss the feeling of being drunk... It feels like you don't give a damn about a thing anymore, and just fucking letting it all out.

Wed, 31 Oct 2012 09:16:37 -0400

I don't know if you're infatuated with her or not. I don't know if i'm just so paranoid that i'm starting to imagine that the stories you're telling me were about you and her. Honestly, I am still jealous. I still am. I still imagine you two talking and seeing each other... and worse? Without me knowing it. Because you two suddenly stopped showing that you're communicating with each other, which makes me doubt even more, which makes me question things more. You're mine. Please. Don't be swayed. I want you. I love you.

Tue, 30 Oct 2012 07:15:58 -0400

Sometimes, you'll come to that point that... the thing you're left to do, is change. Not change for them, just because things or relationship screwed up. But change for yourself... you got so tired of blaming yourself why things keep happening to you that you start to realize things - either you get yourself so numb that you don't want to give a shit about a thing anymore or you start to throw away all the negative thoughts that's been eating you and you'll learn to fight... not for them, but for yourself.

Tue, 30 Oct 2012 07:15:57 -0400

Fighting off your paranoia is worst, ever. You'll try so hard to fight your thoughts, but somehow, somewhere, deep inside your heart... you know that those are the things that keep killing you and you're just an inch away to disappearing - disappearing from anyone and anything else.

Tue, 30 Oct 2012 07:15:57 -0400

Feelings never fade. You just learn to accept it. You just learn how to live with it. You just learn to face the most cruel fact... things aren't the same as before, that he or she doesn't love you anymore, that you can never get thing back as the way it was before.

Tue, 30 Oct 2012 07:15:53 -0400

Feelings never fade. You just learn to accept it. You just learn how to live with it. You just learn to face the most cruel fact... things aren't the same as before, that he or she doesn't love you anymore, that you can never get thing back as the way it was before.

Mon, 29 Oct 2012 13:24:00 -0400

Fighting off your paranoia is worst, ever. You'll try so hard to fight your thoughts, but somehow, somewhere, deep inside your heart... you know that those are the things that keep killing you and you're just an inch away to disappearing - disappearing from anyone and anything else.

Mon, 29 Oct 2012 13:23:57 -0400

Sometimes, you'll come to that point that... the thing you're left to do, is change. Not change for them, just because things or relationship screwed up. But change for yourself... you got so tired of blaming yourself why things keep happening to you that you start to realize things - either you get yourself so numb that you don't want to give a shit about a thing anymore or you start to throw away all the negative thoughts that's been eating you and you'll learn to fight... not for them, but for yourself.

Mon, 29 Oct 2012 13:23:55 -0400

I don't know if you're infatuated with her or not. I don't know if i'm just so paranoid that i'm starting to imagine that the stories you're telling me were about you and her. Honestly, I am still jealous. I still am. I still imagine you two talking and seeing each other... and worse? Without me knowing it. Because you two suddenly stopped showing that you're communicating with each other, which makes me doubt even more, which makes me question things more. You're mine. Please. Don't be swayed. I want you. I love you.

Mon, 29 Oct 2012 13:23:53 -0400

Oooohlaaaa ;)

Fri, 26 Oct 2012 03:33:00 -0400

Have you heard the news? We broke up. If I hadn’t ask him that, I wouldn’t have known. But I did, I ask him. But either way, he broke up with me, even if I didn’t ask him or did. There’s no changing that. He doesn’t even wanna get back together, so yes… All that’s left for me to do, as most of my friends said.. “If he doesn’t want it anymore, then it’s time to let him go. No, not let him go, but LIVE with that fact. You still love him. Letting someone go mean you don’t love them anymore. But you still do, so live with that for the meantime, use that love for him as your strength to move on.” Yes. That’s what i’m gonna do…

Post Break Up Problems 101: (These are just some.)

Waking up. Waking up is one of hardest thing after a break up. After having a very good dream, or if luck’s not on your side, you had a nightmare… waking up would make you feel worse. The moment you open your eyes… memories will flash back. You’ll start to think things, “Where did things start to go wrong?” “What have I done?” “How will face this face without thinking about him?” “It’s my fault why we broke up.” “I want him, I want him.” And sometimes realize that… things will never be the same again. No good morning texts from that someone. It feels like you lost half of your life. It feels you there’s some missing big piece of your heart. And knowing the fact that you could never take back that person… sigh. First days are like this… You feel like you’re not worth it anymore. You feel like it’s the end of the world for you. You feel like worthless. You feel nothing without him.
Getting yourself to sleep. Isn’t it fucked up when your problems are waking up and getting yourself to sleep? Hahaha. Trust me, these two will be your worst enemy after breaking up. This is the time when, let’s say, you had a very very very very very awesome day, you managed to forget the pain you’re dealing with, you managed to somehow threw the feeling that’s been weighing you down for a moment… but the moment you lie on your bed, the moment you stare at your blank walls, the moment you turn off all the lights, your laptop, or worse… when no one’s texting you… You’ll start to break down, you’ll start to be miserable again. You feel like that the happiness that you felt for the whole say is still nothing compared to the real feeling you’ve been feeling, you’ll start to realize that those are all just temporary. You’ll cry and cry and cry every single night. And the worst part? The only way for you to get some sleep is to cry. Fucking cry yourself to sleep. Feel those eyes that weigh so heavy, let it kill you for the night just to escape from the feelings you’re feeling.
Distancing yourself from him/her. Oh no… Yes, this is some shitload. The person who was once so important to you, well, actually he/she still is, the person who was always there for you, the one who was with you during your dark days, the person who you fought the battles with… is now the person who you’ll try so hard to forget, who you’ll try to distance yourself… closing all communications (maybe deactiviting facebook, unfollowing him/her in twitter, erased his number etc etc.) You’ll try so hard to move on… You’ll do all the things just to occupy yourself… you’ll try so hard to mask the pain. Because if you don’t try to distance yourself, if you don’t even try to move on even it’s impossible for you to… you’ll just get hurt more… You’ll see how happy he/she is, you’ll be able to read his/her posts/tweets or whatevers, everytime his/her name pops on your timeline… all the feelings would rush back up, you’ll realize that you’re now choking because you’ll start to break down again.
Mutual friends/friends. Poof. I know. This is where both of your friends will try to fix things, will try to cheer you up, will try to do things for you to move on… and some friends, will try to push it so hard to get you guys back together.
Masking the pain. This is a real pain in the ass. Hardest thing to do. Masking the pain you’re feeling is like… lying to friends, lying to your bestfriends and worse, lying to yourself. But what can you do? You’re so hurt that you’re just inch away to killing yourself - killing yourself maybe with thoughts, regrets or maybe… a knife or suicide. You’re so hurt that you want to give up that’s why you’re fucking trying your hardest to be happy, you’re trying your best to somehow get up and fight the tears every single minute or day. You’ll do whatever it takes to make yourself happy even just for while, even if it means going back to the real feeling you’re all alone. You’ll try to socialize more to make someone happy, to get yourself be happy. Or if you really can’t take it anymore… you’ll start to drown yourself with killer thoughts, with alcoholic drinks to somehow say all the things you’d been feeling. Cursing, screaming, drinking, running… these are some things that will somehow make your feelings right. Isn’t it feel good when you pour out all the fucked feelings you’d been feeling? Isn’t screaming make you feel so good? It feels like, you’ve accepted the war of moving on… It’s feels like you’ve become stronger even just for a moment. It suddenly gave you hope.

^These are just some of the problems you’ll face after a break up.

But I tell you guys… I know that this won’t be easy, but take this opportunity to make yourself happy… for yourself. That this time, you won’t be depending your happiness on someone. Prove to yourself that you’re strong. Or make this thing… even stronger. Let it kill you first. Get up and be strong. If you have to change your bad habits, please do, because I promise you, you’ll realize that you’re happy soon enough. You’ll realize things… things that will really change the shit out of you, you’ll learn lessons from it. I repeat, take this an opportunity to make yourself stronger, to change yourself if there’s something wrong with yourself, take this opportunity to make you better person. Let time pass by, accept that fact that you’re miserable but try and try and try and try and try to not let it fully kill you and you’ll never know… that you’d have already move on.

————————————————————

In my case, I still love him… so much. I want him back in my arms again. I want him to hold so close and start together again. But yes, i’m learning that he doesn’t want this anymore. So i’m going use my love for him to move on. I’ll change my bad habits. I’ll lessen my drinking habits. I’ll be more open. I’ll be more optimistic. I’ll learn to fight off my thoughts. I’ll not let my thoughts take over my mind. I’ll change for good. The change i’m about to do might be too late to get things back together, but i’m sure as hell that it’ll be all worth it in the end, it’s not just me who’ll be happy… but also those people who believe in me. I always tell to myself since yesterday, “I’m much better and stronger this time around. Just thinking about how messed up my life was, makes me realize greater things. I’m gonna show my ass to my life yesterday. Forgive myself. Forget things. Start anew. Either I stand on my own or with him. Whichever, I’m gonna change for sure.“

As much as I want him back… as much as I want to share happiness with him… I won’t let that fact that we’re not getting back together kill me. I want to be happy. I choose to be happy. And sometimes, happiness comes from moving on. Starting from scratch.

Yes, I still love you Christian. I’m going to respect your decision. I know you’re strong! Thank you for letting me realize things even if it’s late. You change so much in me. I just hoped I could do some even greater things with you. I’m sorry for being such a nuisance to you. I love you. :)

NAGSESELOS AKO. Do I need to spell it out once more? N-A-G-S-E-S-E-L-O-S-A-K-O. I fucking know that...

Tue, 23 Oct 2012 11:59:08 -0400

NAGSESELOS AKO.

Do I need to spell it out once more? N-A-G-S-E-S-E-L-O-S-A-K-O.

I fucking know that I don’t have to be jealous, and I know enough that he’s not like that kind of guy, considering the fact that he’s friend has a crush on her, but daaaaamn, THIS IS JUST ME, I EASILY GET JEALOUS, ok? OK?!!!!!!

And you don’t like me when I get jealous… The thing is when I get jealous…

I DON’T DO ANYTHING. LITERALLY DON’T DO ANYTHING. I’m not going to talk to him. I won’t even answer his texts, calls, ims. And the worst is, i’ll make him jealous and i’ll make him feel the things that i’m feeling. Such a bitch of me, right? LAAAWL.

No. It’s not funny. Cuz I don’t wanna be like this. I don’t… ashd;oaufgoasuhdpsadh;oaugfyigf;ausohdsaidjpasihfdyialfgasidygasifugbajdnsakd.

What's the point?

Sun, 21 Oct 2012 09:20:12 -0400

We’re gonna be together forever, I promise you.

I won’t give up on us.

You’re the one want that I want ‘til the end of time. You’re gonna be my future wife.

I wanna grow old with you. I wanna do these things with you.

Famous lines from people who are so madly in love or from couples who’re just new or been together for a couple of years. Even I, want these things to happen to us, but I doubt it.

I have to say, although i’m in a relationship, that THESE ARE ALL BULLSHITS. In our age, it’s SO special and important to us to hear these kind of words from the people we love, heck, we even say that to people we’re together with.

I’m sorry but, I don’t believe in this kind of things. I haven’t experienced it, heck I haven’t heard a story about a couple who’s been together since college or even high school that ended up marrying each other, let’s say that there was, but they did divorce. As they say, “To see is to believe. To experience it, is even better.”

Nobody’s gonna end up together, FOREVER, in our age, we’re too young, not yet fully experienced. We thought, we’re ready enough. We thought, we could already handle this kind of thing. We though, we’re capable of loving enough. That we’re smart for this. BUT NO. I heard, lots of stories about a couple who’d been together for 5 years, they were together since 2nd year high school ‘til 3rd year college I guess, but eventually they broke up. See what I mean? I thought they’re gonna end up together, I mean, that they’ll marry each other. They’ve been together for so long, that I thought parting would be so hard for them. But no, the girl ended up with a new guy months after they broke up.

What i’m saying is… No couple, in our generation, would lasts forever. Though, still believe in old-people-still-madly-in-love-with-each-other thing, but no couple would last forever in our time. We say things we think that we mean, but we really don’t. We say things, promises, dreams, when we’re happy and that makes us hope more, that makes that believe that such thing would happen. You know what the problem is? US.

The only thing is… people change, feelings change over time. People get tired. People meet new people. Feelings develop. Feelings fade. Arguments make us weak. Distance starts to grow. And yes, love fades. No, actually the feelings are still there but people just get tired. Tired of fighting, tired of giving away too much, tired of bullshits, tired of putting some efforts that turn into waste, tired of loving. These are things that happen.

When we’re inlove with someone, or together with someone. And when that someone has changed so much in you - your perspective in life, your view about life, people, - you even included that person in your dreams, you dream about things with that person, they even take almost half of your life… you’d start to think, “Damn, I want this person in my forever. I don’t wanna lose him/her.” We start to do everything, we put so much effort, we tend to forget ourselves, we put the happiness of that someone first… but as the time pass by, as arguments and fights happen, as time challenges us, as we meet new people, we’ll start to realize to realize, and think:

Damn. These bullshits make me tired. I’m fighting for nothing. He/She’s not even trying.

She/He’s not that important to me.

Is this worth even fighting?

I’ve found someone better.

etc etc…

And that’s how people, in this generation, now think. They don’t consider the effort that they put in this first place, they don’t consider the thing that make them hold for so long, that they eventually give up, get tired, or even bullshits. YES, SOME ARE SURE ABOUT OUR FEELINGS RIGHT NOW, BUT WOULD THEY EVEN THINK OF THAT WHEN FIGHT SUDDENLY HAPPEN? WOULD THEY THINK OF THAT WHEN LOADS OF SHIT SUDDENLY HAPPEN OVER TIME? NO. THEY WOULDN’T. They’ll just think that, “THIS IS BULLSHIT. I’m tired.”

Hmmmm.

Thoughts 101

Tue, 09 Oct 2012 23:01:00 -0400

I’M TIRED OF POSTING SAD POSTS!!!!! THIS WILL BE THE LAST. YES. THIS. WILL. BE. ;) SO FEEL FREE TO FEEL HOW SAD I AM / WAS. FUCK YOU ALL!!!! Hihi

Was it something I said?

Something I did that made you destroy all we’ve built

And it was something you said
Something you did that made me think that you weren’t real

- You Me At! Six - There’s no such thing as accidental infidelity

It’s Wednesday. October 11, 2012. First day of sembreak. And this is when the problem starts.

How will I keep my mind occupied? How? What should I do? Should I eat? Should I watch series or movies that aren’t fucking about love nor hopeless romantics? Should I go out and have fun? Party? Maybe, study? Or should I just sleep and lock myself in my room and torture myself with thoughts that I know will eventually kill the fuck out of me?

I chose sleep and party. Having fun and socializing with other people helps a lot. Sleep, fucking yes, this is the most effective thing of all. Sleep is some like kind of escape from the reality that’s been fucking me real hard, ya know? Sleep will take you to places where you could be happy, maybe just for hours, but happy, real real happy. And sometimes, it will bring you to people who you want to be with, and you could just be happy together, and thinking about problems, hell, not even the world. The only downside is, it’ll all eventually end. You’ll wake up, and when you do, you’ll feel happy dreaming about that kind of thing, but seconds later, reality will sink in, it will slap you directly in your face. It’ll make you think, “I want to sleep forever. Have that kind of dream again. But sleeping forever means i’m dead. Oh wait, that’ll be a good idea.” And sometimes you’ll try so hard to go back to sleep, to feel that kind of happiness again, to forget the loneliness you’re feeling, and just be, you know, happy, laugh… with the people you want to be with the most. But no, your mind won’t let you, it won’t let me, thoughts keeps appearing inside my head, thoughts of him leaving, thoughts of him being happy with another thing, thoughts of THEM leaving me, and too much sad thoughts. You just don’t know what is the feeling of being tortured by your own thoughts?You’ll fucking wish that everyone, or at least someone would hear them and fucking feel how sad, broken, miserable, fucked up you are, and wish they’ll comfort you. But fuck no, people don’t have that kind of power. And I can’t open up because the moment I do, I’ll fucking cry and won’t be able to tell about it, so it’s fucking useless. YOU JUST DON’T KNOW PEOPLE HOW HARD FOR ME IS TO FIGHT MY MIND, TO FIGHT THESE, FUCKING, THINGS THAT’S BEEN CONSUMING ME, THAT’S BEEN EATING ME, THAT’S BEEN KILLING ME. NO. YOU FUCKING DON’T KNOW. Every. Fucking. Single. Day. That. God. Has. Given. Me. It. Always. Starts. Like. That.

So here’s the deal.

I’m tired. So tired. So fucking tired. Tired of bullshits. Tired of fucksies. Tired of being left. Tired of longing. Fuck. TIRE OF EVERYTHING. Mentally. Socially. And one thing I know for sure, is that this sembreak will kill me. Esp when this continues. I’ll be out of my mind. Heck I AM ALREADY OUT OF MY MIND. I want to go back to school again and be stress of school shits instead of being stressed in everything else.

Honestly, I have nothing now. Literally nothing. I’m really really really really really really really really fucked up. I don’t want to remember, or even think about why am I so fucked up. I have never been so fucked up in my life. And I thought, I could fight this, ALONE, but no, fucking no. I lost. I broke down. I cried. I let it kill me. I let it lose myself. But I learned one great thing about this: I won’t care that much anymore. And I won’t let anyone care that for me anymore. Once they care for me, I’ll for them also. So no. I’m limiting myself. And I think I’ll be happier if i’ll be care-free. I know this is bad to say it, but the thing I want if this all fails and ends, is “fling”, not fling fling. But you know a temporary happiness with people. a connection between people without anything serious in it, i’ll just play. Go with the flow thing. Yeah, maybe i’ll be happier that way. Maybe taking things too seriously at this age won’t help me know what’s really happiness for us teens. ;) Maybe what I learned are bad things, but hey, it’ll make me happy. Again, if this all fails and ends.

Oh yeah, know what happened last Monday? SO FUCK! It was like… hell fuck shit. My morning started in a state where my phone won’t charge, I was so frustrated cuz the battery percent was only 10% nalang and the fuckin charger won’t fucking work. I told Lord, “Lord, why? Really why? Please let my phone charge. Cuz i’ll fucking lose it if it didn’t. You know how miserable I am right now, and my phone’s my last hope of giving me small chance of happiness right, so why? Please, let it change, even just up to 50%. I’ll fucking give up all that I have right now just for my phone to charge.” but guess what? I didn’t. So it was not even 10:30 of that day, my phone actually died. I was so tortured by my thoughts that day that I can’t fucking review, I can’t fucking concentrate, I can’t even talk to my friends and classmates, cuz I was about to cry, I can’t fucking take all the bullshits that were happening to me that day. I fucking can’t. And oh, I saw my ex that day also, TWICE, and fuck that was ugly, I mean that moment, not him. But thank God, I survived that day… NOT. I broke down… I cried… in the jeepney… on my way home… it was so fucking embarrassing. I was hiding my face cuz i was really crying hard, but I was fighting it also cuz I want to cry at home, I want to get a have from my mom. But fuck. the thought of my mom hugging me made me tear up more!! PUTANGINA LANG. I cried in the jeepney for like 5 mins, and not that I know, I fell asleep, I woke up in riverpark bridge part na, and my eyes were so O_____O and red. Even I got scared of my face.

—————————

Anyway, the thing is I want to forget these shits already. I want that… the moment I publish this post, i’ll be eventually ok and feel great. My heart and feelings will get unpinned and i’ll be a fucking free bitch! I want that. (But if this relationship continues, I want to be happy as well, not all these shits, or let’s say ME, will be ok. So he won’t get fucked up also cuz of me. Heehee) I want to be fucking more numb to things. I want to not get affected to thing too easily. Cuz that’s what I am. I get affected to even littlest of things. And i’ll think about that forever, without even asking for an answer and i’ll let it destroy mo. SO NO. I DON’T WANT THAT ANYMORE. Less I care, less chance I get hurt. ;)

What I want to say to everyone and everything else right now. ;)

Photo

Sun, 07 Oct 2012 10:26:29 -0400